She is free to do what she wants.. She doesn't need no ex-boyfriends advise, which probably would be to go to celibacy. I wish I could put here in a little glass-bottle somewhere so I could control her and so she couldn't hurt my feelings. I'm still pitch black jealous, fueled by all the pain in the past. The feelings after finding out she had cheated on me and the humiliation after taking her back never went away. There was too much pride for me to swallow being another white guy in her life, and so many parts of me that didn't want to go with me on the ride that is the life with Samantha.
Just as we had spend a couple of weeks not talking, or not exchanging much more than some angry lines on New Year's Eve, things started to feel more neutral and I wanted to know how she was doing. I had been thinking about asking to be my sister, an attempt to find a place for her that would be bearable for me. That Friday night at 1.54 am she suddenly got online
[01:57] wana talk to u... as a friend.....
She was crying and drunk... after having made out with a 38 year old married expat that works in her office, in front of many of their colleagues. This, the day after she had kissed the college next to her in the office in a taxi on the way home.
I was trying to comfort her at the same time I felt the wound in myself open up again. I was glad she turned to me, it satisfied the possessive side of me to know she still had feelings for me, but it was unbearable to listen to it.
[01:59] Junkette: drunk
[01:59] Junkette: stupid
[01:59] Junkette: messed up
[01:59] Junkette: i dont know whats happenin
[01:59] Junkette: iim just messedd up.
She got on the phone, and cried... I was in chock and talked about us being friend, trying comfort her while inside I felt all black. The connection broke after a couple of minutes since her phone ran out of battery.
...
We continued to chat...
...
[02:52] Junkette: do u love zhNG WEN?
[02:52] Junkette: i feel horrid u replaed me so quuickyly
...
[03:02] Junkette: i miss a lot of pple.
[03:02] Junkette: i miss ou
[03:02] Junkette: u
[03:02] Junkette: [the name of the expat guy]
[03:02] Junkette: (germab n
[03:02] Junkette: merried guy
[03:02] Junkette: scvante
[03:02] Junkette: everyone..
[03:02] Junkette: i miss bits n puieces of evertone
[03:02] Junkette: i miss having somenoe.
[03:02] Johan in Beijing: guess i wasn't that special
[03:03] Johan in Beijing: so i could hold on to you
[03:03] Junkette: no
[03:03] Junkette: u were
[03:03] Junkette: u beli9eved uin me
[03:03] Junkette: u shared..
[03:03] Junkette: u were willing to stick w me
[03:03] Junkette: a girl like me
[03:03] Junkette: im really a piece of shit.
[03:03] Johan in Beijing: i'm off...
Session Close: Sat Jan 08 03:03:57 2005
The last pieces... I could understand her, pretty much have felt the same. There is many people I have feelings for, but it's not the same as making it possible to base a life together. I so understand her desperation to fill a void.
She will hopefully make the best decision, a decision that she feel that she can stand for and afterward look people in the eyes. One should never let the adult person's desperation and desires kill that inner child (which in Samantha's case right now is about 10 years old).
I was the one who broke up but I'm still sitting here feeling hurt and melancholic. We couldn't go on in our vicious miserable circles. I guess my senses caught up with my feelings in the end, but they are coming back with a vengeance. What that girl is doing is still seriously effecting my feelings. And I wish there would be an easy way to make it go away...
This is Samantha's blog entry:
Carnal desires
.
ZhangWen has been great to me and she is definitely right being causious with me. She knows that she came into my life when there was a lot of things going on in my head. It is a good thing that she is busy with her exams and let me have these days by myself. I admire so many things about her.
I guess this break my silence when it comes to handing out private things on this place... but I guess it will only be good friends that bother to read it... and hopefully it will help you understand me a little better. That was the point with this thing from the start.
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3 comments:
I'll never dare to show my face around anymore, but what is really painful is that that was a fair appraisal of me. You remain the only person who knows me, but that's because I dragged you through hell and back. Sorry.
I must have been really really really wasted to tell you all that on Sat.
But anyhow... you've a great girl now, so just ignore what I do. Cheers my moose.
S
There are too many pains, miseries and hurts in life we are brought to deal with, so let's offload as many burdens as we can and take on a rather light step to walk on, because this might be the best way to tide over the so many uncertainties coming along the way...I believe that S, as well as all the other people that you care, must be an amazing girl worthy of all your care, and please cherish this precious memory at heart, which I will truly appreciate. Good luck for your work and everything else and with great pleasure that I'm the person, however silly, to share with you these moments by your side...
There are too many pains, miseries and hurts in life we are brought to deal with, so let's offload as many burdens as we can and take on a rather light step to walk on, because this might be the best way to tide over the so many uncertainties coming along the way...I believe that S, as well as all the other people that you care, must be an amazing girl worthy of all your care, and please cherish this precious memory at heart, which I will truly appreciate. Good luck for your work and everything else and with great pleasure that I'm the person, however silly, to share with you these moments by your side...
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