Monday, August 02, 2004

Worries of becoming a China-bum

I've gotten to know myself a lot better since I've kind of dropped-out of my university program. Life has been a lot less structured and I have been able to float around fairly freely. My life with other hundred or so classmates, years and years of previous students, who all have been measured against the same ruler, the same standard, gave something fixed. Either you cared or not, but you were either a student who passed the exams, or you were not. There was some sort of basic requirement. I think my perception of myself wasn't correct. I believed if I only set my mind of something I would be able to do it. Silly naïve little me. There are so many things I can't control. I need the external influence. Scary. Going to China will push this to the limit. I won't have anything that put pressure on me. If it is up to me I will only go up in the morning to study if I feel like it. And I will of course only feel like it for 3-4 days and then I want to do something else. My plan? Well. I hope I can sign up for a private school. 2 or 4 hours a day to have a minimum of study and a little bit of continuity. Hopefully I can continue to talk to ZhangFan every day. She is a girl I pay to talk Chinese to. Maybe I will attend class with WuZheJian, but I think he will think that is annoying. Think he will be too polite to say it though. Why am I going on like this? Guess I'm worried that I will go into apathy, total lack of motivation. Like I feel right now. Maybe I should try to set up simple achievable goals and then try to forget about the pointlessness. Like all happy people seems to do. Well, I'm pretty happy actually. Maybe there some part of my brain that things learning Chinese actually IS meaningful and that one day I actually will learn the bloody thing.

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